Right?

I think my grandma could make our family some good money...if she would let us sell her on antique road show.

We can all dream for ice cream

If I owned an ice cream truck, I wouldn't play "I'm a little tea cup."
I would play death metal.
Instead of giving out ice cream and candies,
I would give out tongue piercings and tattoos.
I definitely would not stop for the children either.
I would make them chase around my truck for at least a mile...
that way I would be doing my part to prevent childhood obesity.

Muwahaha

I like to tell people my name is Haywood Jablome

Walking Contradiction

I am a happy, innocent child trapped in a young woman's body

-AND-

I am a realistic, wise aged-person trapped in a young woman's body

Trees are tricksy

Have you ever walked by a tree and plucked a leaf from it? you know..just to play with it, rip it up, and throw it on the ground. Well I had been resisting for quite some time (out of respect for the tree), but today I just could not resist. However, this time was a bit different. As I reached up and yanked on the leaf, the tree branch reached back down and plucked some hairs out of my head. Sucker got me good!
I'll think thrice before I ever pick a leaf from a tree again.

Are you still there?

 I had just come back from surfing, and was checking my e-mail at my house when a mosquito put a few good bites on me. This mosquito proceeded to continuously land on me and I did not have the dexterity to stop it. However, hours later, I was straightening my hair to go out and kept getting a glimpse of the mosquito in the corner of my eye.

After many failed whacks at it, I was able to swat it into the side of the tube and round-house kick it mid-air. The mosquito appeared sprawled on the tile as if it were dead. So I yelled at it, "HAHAHA! Try and get yourself out of that one bitch!!!"

Only minutes later, that same darn mosquito was flying by my head once again. I dropped everything I was doing and finally put an end to his irritation....this time when I swated him, I did not assume he was dead and I washed him pleasantly down the sink!  Then I wondered, "Can mosquitos play dead?"

Florida Fall

The fall season in Florida means watching a palm frond fall down and hit someone, which causes that person to fall as well.

Benny Franklin

There are three things extremely hard: steel, a diamond, and to know one's self.